The Lord speaks to me, in Scripture, in my life, in the signs of the world. In my heart, I hear Him. Yet it is a gentle and soft voice which I can barely hear. I do not know what He wants me to write, all I know is that He wants me to write. I do not know if I am a good writer or not. I do not know much things, I do not know much about my Lord. I've read Scripture, part of it, but not the entirety. As such my understanding is incomplete. What am I supposed to write?
I feel a terrible frustration within me, that I cannot write freely as I use to. I feel that I am in a darkness. I am in a prison, who put me in there I know not. I act in obedience to God, but I know that deep down I am a disobedient little child of God. God reveals my sins to me, it feels that He opens and shuts my mind at His will. He makes me understand, and at other times He makes me ignorant and stupid, such as now. Yet surely God wants me to know Him, and not be stupid.
Surely God cannot be the source of my difficult mind, it has to be another thing. Yet if I see that it can be a tool of goodness for me, then God may be the source of my difficulties. He may be the wall between me and Himself, that is understanding of Him. Today I slept a lot, played some Minecraft, joined the legionary meeting, and now at 21.10 I try to write what I can write. Despite not knowing what to write, I have successfully written 3 paragraphs, praise the Lord!
What is my purpose in life? To serve God and to serve man, that is clear. The more difficult question is how am I to do those things? The answer is given to me, preach the Gospel, preach Christ, preach God, and do good things to others. The Church is remarkably clear in her teachings which she receives from God. So in truth there is not supposed to be any confusion. Everything has been revealed by God in such a way that I have no excuse. Yet at the same time nothing is clear, and yet again my heart and soul is moved by God to have faith and submit in complete trust in Him.
My acts are supposed to be clear, to study and to write my studies, that is all. Then I pray, as much as I can, the mass, the rosary, the catena, the queen of heaven, the divine office, and the routine prayers. So what is lacking? The areas are clear, very clear, they have been designated and revealed by God. I need not think too high or too complicated. I need only move in the direction in which He points to. So when I cannot think in a certain manner, then it is probably not God's will for me to be there.
To be a man of God is not to be great, at least we are not to be great in the earthly sense. It is to be humble, simple, small, serving, loving, faithful, hopeful. Those are the marks of the man of God, and that is what I must seek. I have been taught in my days of the spiritual exercise, that is I must not seek "understanding" more than ignorance. I must not seek complete knowledge of everything, rather I must seek trust in God, I must seek faith. I must seek what brings me closer to my God, rather than anything else. I understand now, that He is reminding me that I have lost sight of what's important. I was consumed and attached to being Him (being perfect), instead of being attached to Him.
There is a subtle difference, between being God and being attached to God. In the first thing we are obsessed with being independent, being autonomous, being perfect, not needing anything higher than ourselves. In the second part, we are not obsessed, but attached with dependency on God, heeding God's Law, striving to improve ourselves, and to need God, the Most High. I have been lamenting on being perfect on my own terms instead of being holy in God's terms. If I am to lament my life, I am to lament the way I have dishonored God, the subtle sins of my life, that is what I must repent from.
I know now what God wants of me in this current period of life, to study Scriptures, and to study Him on His terms. My writings shall not be of my own independence or the greatness of my mind, rather it shall be the greatness of God's mind. For my mind is small and is not great, and I now understand that I have never been great at anything. I am an ordinary joe, which God gives graces to greatly. That He gives different graces and retract graces at times is His prerogative right, I simply have to adjust according to His graces.
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